her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
