he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My life is pants optional.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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