But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
