come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What drink are we having for lunch?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
