you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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