you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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