My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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