Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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