Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
