Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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