got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
