i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
bring money and cleavage
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
