Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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