you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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