Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
