I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
