I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
