I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
