I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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