??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize