i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize