My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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