He disabled his match.com account in front of me
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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