Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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