I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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