I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
