my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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