Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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