Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
