Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
