First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
