All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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