WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
