I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
