is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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