I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
