last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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