Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am one with the molecules
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
