Moan for me like Helen Keller
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
