Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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