Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
