So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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