I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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