Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
