i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
