Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
