He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
