i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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