My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I see more hoeing in ur future
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