I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
