I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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