2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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