I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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