This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
