I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Nicole vs. Life
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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